The Cat
Your subtle flesh runs against my shin.
Your claws of tyranny dominate your surroundings.
Why must you have such low tolerance?
Your eyes are like overpriced gems of torture.
Your lean body can get through the smallest spaces.
Your theft of small objects infuriates me.
Why must you claim everything as your own?
Your sharp teeth latch onto my flesh in furry.
Your vicious talons dig deep in my skin.
Your shriek of a calling runs a chill down my spine.
Why must you be so cruel to your overseer?
You hack up mucus on my precious belongings.
Your hair falls like snow all around me.
You have a quick temper and fast reflex.
Please release me from your fierce grasp.
Since we both posted the same thing so closely to each other you will be my first victim for Week 4.
ReplyDeleteI like how you decided to take this litany in another direction than the rest of us. While the rest of us are focusing on Ginsberg-esque rants, you decide to develop your own individual path and I like that. I like that you used the list to describe a cat. I also like the focus on the cat's claws and teeth.
Also, I'd like to say one of my favorite lines is "Why must you be so cruel to your overseer?" While I think the line is wordy it uses great connotation to create an interesting concept. The overseer is tied with the watchful figure in slavery. And yet, the speaker describes his/herself as the overseer--being treated cruelly.
I think perhaps the biggest fault I find with this piece is that the lines need tightening. You have good bits of imagery here that seem to be ruined by over-description. This might seem odd in contrast to my recent rant of description, but I love the specificity in the first line of "my shin." It's a refreshing choice in comparison to "my leg."
Still, consider condensing. The second line seems to carry some redundancy. "Your claws of tyranny dominate your surroundings." I see what you were trying to get at with tyranny and dominance but they seem too similar. Also, do you think the line would work as well without "your surroundings?" I believe that the surroundings are implied under the tyranny.
You have some interesting lines in here that seem somewhat shorter and contrast with the long, descriptive lines. I would suggest playing on that more as well. Once again, hoping this helps.