Temporary
The temporal existence in the perspective
Of a petite aquatic creature
Reflecting the meaninglessness I embrace
As part of my existence in my bowl.
My cubicle assorted with trinkets to admire,
My apartment, adorned with posters.
Like plastic rocks, and plants, and caves,
My rooms, my space, is all a façade.
Imagine an existence that is fabricated
By a mind far superior to its surroundings.
Desiring something elaborate and free
Yet restricted in all aspects of the self.
The confinement so claustrophobic
There doesn’t seem to be enough water to breathe.
Enough air to breathe, enough oxygen to live.
I swim back and forth from work to home,
Only knowing the path I take, never straying.
There is no room to move away from the familiar.
My familiar rock shaped like a star sitting in the far corner
Of my bowl that is safe, the rudamentory.
But what if the glass breaks, the water depletes?
My safe rock gets washed away in the tide
And soon I’m helpless, flailing for life.
What then when it all falls apart and I’m alone?
That will be a mystery hide from in my seaweed, alone.
The first sentence is poetic when the verb “temporal” is added to it, followed by the second line with the word “petite.” – the reader senses how ‘small’ the subject of the poem feels.
ReplyDeleteThe 3rd sentence: “reflecting the meaninglessness I embrace” although I see where this is heading, it is a bit overwhelming to say all in one line. It could be summarize to: reflecting the lack of meaning, and this I must embrace”
The 6th and 7th line: I don’t think it is necessary to add the “Like” on the 7th sentence. Maybe it this two sentences can be stronger with more assertiveness e.g. “This is my cubicle. That my poster. That is my plastic rock. That is my plant. That is my cave.”
The poem is refreshing since it gives light to something that can be easily overlooked. I honestly almost wrote a poem about a fish inside an aquarium (since my mother has an ecosystem in hers.) There are many opportunities to elaborate at the surroundings of a fish inside an aquarium to give a more ‘cinematic’ feel. The poem focuses a lot as a ‘commentary’ and it has so much room to burst with imagery and energy. Allow the reader to feel like THEY are the fish, rather than someone listening to the fish.
All in all a very promising work, it just needs to shy a bit away from the ‘narration’ of a fish-in-a-bowl’s life and more towards see-what-I-see kind of poem. I would like to see more of what the fish goes through.